When you function, you feel good.
And that’s what you’re obsessed with.
You have control over everything. You always prepare yourself perfectly so you don’t make mistakes. You deliver a perfect performance. Your friends and colleagues are impressed and admire you.
However, if a mistake creeps in, you get nervous or stressed out and you try hard to compensate. …
Sounds familiar?
Before you continue reading, grab a pen and a piece of paper, because at the end there is an exercise waiting for you!
The official definition of perfectionism is ‘excessive pursuit of perfection’.
Excessive. It’s a negative behavior.
We hope for strength and success, but perfectionism leads us to procrastination, constant comparison with others and a feeling of being overwhelmed. Because in truth we feel insecure and fearful.
Ironically, with perfectionism you achieve exactly the opposite of what you hope for. It’s blocking, it holds us back and suppresses our true potential.
You stand in your own way.
Thoughts like “Others can’t hurt me if I’m in control” or “No one can see how insecure I really am” mean in other words:
Nobody sees the real me.
Do you really want that? Could you believe them when they say ‘I love you’ when they only know a facade of you?
Perfectionism has absolutely nothing to do with striving for excellence, and you won’t get the red carpet to success rolled out. You aren’t focused on YOUR WORK, but on what others think of you; whether they like you and your work; whether you are enough!
But it doesn’t work like that. You have no control over whether people like you or how they see you. You can not control their perception. You actually only lose track of who you really are and what you want while you are lusting for the appreciation of others.
If there is one thing you cannot have, it is total control over the things that happen in life. I think we’ve all had this experience.
You know what crazy thing happens when you let go of perfectionism?
Happiness.
Look around. There is no such thing as perfection. No matter where you are. No matter where you look. Nothing is perfect.
Go out into nature. Can you find a single perfect tree there? A perfect flower? A perfectly built body? The only question I keep having in my mind is:
What is ‘perfect’? Who has set the standards? Why don’t we see individuality in everyone and everything?
Life symbolizes pure imperfectionism. And it works. Perfectly. Better than we could ever achieve with our willpower.
Do you think the trees are comparing themselves? Who’s the thinnest? Who has the most branches? Who grows tallest?..
No, they are just here. They have every right to be here. And they’re exactly right as they are. No one doubts that.
Then why are we so hard on others and especially ourselves?
- Be yourself
Probably everyone is aware of the negative effect and yet we all do it.
Comparing ourselves.
But a huge trigger for perfectionism is the constant comparison with others, especially in social media. Check the people you surround yourself with or follow on social platforms.
Ask yourself if they are good for you, inspire you or leave you with a feeling of envy, resentment and low self-esteem.
Also be aware that social media only post the greatest highlights! No one would officially share if they had extreme self-doubt etc. And yet everyone does somehow!
Why it’s also extremely important to question with which people you spend most of your time in your life, you can read here. - Good is good enough
If we strive for perfectionism, we are striving for something we already have.
We create a version of ourselves that we believe is better liked by others than our true inner self. But can I tell you something?
Good is good enough.
I know it’s hard to believe, even for a recovering perfectionist like myself. It feels like you lower your standards.
Remember, you’re good at many things, but you don’t have to be perfect at everything!
Just as you don’t lower your standards, perfectionism doesn’t mean you are weaker or you don’t use your full potential. I was afraid that under the superficial perfectionism I wouldn’t find any willpower. I was afraid to let myself apathetically go and was fully convinced that it was my perfectionism that would bring me further in my development and bring me success.
But if you surrender to the fact that you are good enough, your potential will finally have the freedom to fully unfold!
Because I can assure you of one thing:
…you are STRONG. you are AMBITIOUS, and you are tenacious and stubborn, otherwise you wouldn’t have been able to keep up with your perfectionism all these years 😉
YOU achieve your goals because of WHO YOU ARE inside. - Change your thoughts
Perfectionism is a destructive behavior, but it can be relearned. When you stop paying attention to your perfectionist thoughts, you notice how they lose control over you. They are also just thoughts. You can listen to them, but you don’t have to believe them. Decide to act differently NOW.
One of my role models once said:
“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
– Byron Katie
At the beginning it was very difficult for me to communicate confidently with my boyfriend (and actually everyone else) in another language. My thought was:
“People think less of me because of my language impairment.” Here, too, my own perfectionist expectations restricted me enormously. I held back in conversations because I didn’t want to make any mistakes. But there is only one way to learn things: practice. practice. practice.
If you also discover an area in your life where you demand perfection from yourself, then grab a pen and a piece of paper.
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In Byron Katie’s book THE WORK she asks the following questions to test a thought for its truth.
- Is it true?
Often we simply accept a thought without questioning it. - Do you know with absolute certainty that this thought is true?
Go deeper than what you think you know. - How do you react to this thought? What happens when you believe it?
With this question something often happens inside you. You might feel that you believe it. Do you still feel comfortable? Are you still calm?
And most importantly:
- Who would you be without this thought?
Imagine yourself if you would not believe this thought. Who would you be? How would you look? How would you feel? How would your life change?
Now compare these two versions – your life WITH this belief and WITHOUT. Which version would you prefer? What feels better and more peaceful for you?
Always be aware, everything and by this I mean EVERYTHING you experience always happens FOR you.
I know a part of us always wants to feel safe and comfortable, which is why we try to take control. But that’s just an illusion that we strive so hard to maintain.
Let go of the idea that you have to BE something, DO something or HAVE something.
You will be free.
Power, energy and creativity will flow.